If you are a birth parent (mother or father) in an open or closed adoption who relinquished voluntarily or had your rights terminated, PLEASE TAKE THIS SURVEY. They are looking for 600 participants by December 1, 2008. Let's blow that number out of the water.

Here's some info:

The Surrender Survey Project is for parents (mother and fathers) who have voluntarily relinquished and/or had their rights (involuntarily) terminated. And so, in that way, it is all inclusive. More over, the questions pertain to both parents in closed and open adoption, not just one or the other. I know that there are some things that try to exclude one group or the other but this survey acknowledges both. In fact, this survey's success depends on answers from both closed and open adoption birth parents.

Of special note: for parents that have relinquished more than one child, you are asked to take it once for each child relinquished. (Meaning, if you have placed two children, please take the survey twice, answering specifics for each individual child on each individual survey attempt.)

(If you need a bit more info, read the birth/first parent blog. Or just take the survey!)

I’ve had this post in my head for quite a while now. It’s existed in parts, none of them very well-expressed or complete in form, but I’m tired of it rattling in my head, and weighing so heavily in my heart, that I’m setting it free. In doing so perhaps there will be some relief, some comfort in just “speaking” it, or, if I’m really lucky, some guidance and comfort from those that understand — no matter which side of it they come from. Read on.  But pour yourself something cold to drink, you’ll be here awhile.

As folks reading my blog for any length of time know, we’re in an open adoption with Maeve’s birthmother. Well, maybe I should tweak, for now, my description of it to call it a semi-open adoption in that our connection is through the adoption agency, through letters and photos, and an annual visit at an agency picnic. When we first began this journey, just even having this amount of contact was, for us, considered open. Not because it’s all we wanted, but because in my husband Thomas’ own adoption, the dearth of detail is so real, the sealed records and blacked out information are the walls we face, he faces.

So meeting Maeve’s first mother, holding her, talking with her, sharing stories and details with her — it was like an adoption floodgate had opened.

I didn't expect to like this book. There's something about the slightly precious use of the term "b-mother" in the title and the tiny infant one-piece pictured on the cover that made me think this might be a novel that wrapped up all of its' endings into a tidy bundle of happy birthmother/happy adoptive family.

But Maureen O'Brien surprised me. The novel begins as Hillary Birdsong heads to a clinic for a pregnancy test, and unfolds over the course of several decades as she relinquishes her son Tom, graduates from high school and then college, and builds a life for herself in a tiny seaside town in Maine. Though she chose Tom's adoptive parents, and they write to her once a year with news of her son, she is not permitted to contact him or them until he turns 18.

The writing gets off to a clunky start, and the early parts of the book feel a little strained, but O'Brien eventually hits her stride and writes compellingly - and believably - about Hillary's experiences. When her friend at the maternity home gives birth and then bolts without signing papers, consigning her daughter to foster care, you understand why it was easier for her to do that than to put pen to paper and make it real. When another friend at the home gives birth and announces "I made them happy. I really am quite brave," Hillary thinks to herself: "she's like a baby doll. Pull her string and watch her go."

As she gets older, Hillary's desperate need for letters and news about Tom and her total inability to contact him or his parents begins to feel absolutely paralyzing. She loves Tom's adoptive mom, and this is a bit of a balm to the reader, and to Hillary herself, knowing that her son is being raised by the mother that she wanted for him. But she's not drinking the adoption Kool-Aid - her relationship with her own mother dwindles to almost nothing for many years after the relinquishment, and she is aware that she is not interested in intimate relationships because the relationship she wants most is one she cannot have. Even as she builds a life for herself in Maine, she is painfully aware that she's in a holding pattern that won't end until she is able to have contact with her son. When, 18 years after she relinquishes Tom, her father refers to him as "Small Fry," it becomes suddenly obvious how Hillary's parents - who pressured their daughter to relinquish Tom - have been impacted by the loss of their grandson in ways they have never been willing (or able) to talk about.

The novel is moving and the characters are complex and believable. The ending is not a surprise, but it's satisfying all the same. The book is insightful and the writing beautifully illustrates one woman's experience in living with tremendous loss. It's well worth a read.

Author:

Maureen O'Brien

Publisher:

Harcourt, Inc.

Copyright:

2006

ISBN:

978-0-15-101398-2

Pages:

276

Price:

$24

Rating:

7

Related links:

Buy the book at Powell's