A little over five years ago, I placed my newborn baby girl for adoption. We had a loose agreement for an open adoption, but at the time of her placement, nothing was certain. During my pregnancy, my social worker educated me enough about open adoption to convince me, but my daughter’s would-be parents were being educated against it.
Those first few months after my daughter’s birth were particularly difficult. I didn’t know if I would be able to see her. Her mother was starting to feel like having information about me was enough and the last person she wanted to hear disagreement from was me. On top of this, I was very depressed, completely alone, and
missed my baby terribly.
In the end my daughter’s mother did continue to allow me to have a physical presence in my daughter’s life. It was awkward at first. I remember attending her first birthday party, surrounded by her new family and friends, and feeling completely out of place. Here was the child I gave birth to celebrating that exact day, and I felt like I should stand in a corner as unobtrusively as possible. I didn’t belong there.
In the beginning, I kept two sets of photo albums- one holding pictures of my daughter and the other of everything else in my life. My two worlds were separate. Slowly that changed. Today, it seems odd that it was ever that way. It is no longer possible for me to keep separate photo albums. My daughter and her family are my family in every way.
I’ve spent numerous holidays with them and their extended family. They’ve come to my family holiday party for the past two years. Various parts of our families email and write to each other regularly. When they make their annual trip to my mother’s home state, they make it a point to spend one of the days with my mother. During my latest school vacation (I’m a teacher), I was invited to spend the day babysitting my daughter.
Most striking to me was a comment from my daughter’s adoptive grandmother. When my daughter was a baby, her grandmother was completely against open adoption. She was suspicious of me, possibly threatened by me, and she made it a point to be at every one of my visits. It was uncomfortable. I spent Christmas Eve and morning at my daughter’s home last year. This year, I stayed at my own home. My daughter’s adoptive grandmother had assumed I’d be spending Christmas with them and was disappointed that I didn’t come. I have become family to her and I know that she values my role in her life.
Extended parts of both our families have also made the comment that we really are a family. Some of my family that met my daughter and her parents for the first time at this year’s party described how natural it all seemed. As for me, I loved watching my daughter play with her biological cousins, my sister’s kids, just as I played with my own cousins during holiday visits.
The fact that we have become a family isn’t something we spend a lot of time thinking about. It certainly isn’t something that happened overnight But it did happen. Even in my wildest hopes, I didn’t anticipate that we would reach this point, but I’m so glad we did.
Yes, there are problems. Yes, it is still very difficult for me. No, I don’t think for a moment that all open adoptions will look like mine. I do know that there are people out there who are hoping for what I have. I hope to use this space to share what it was like from my side during each year of our open adoption. Although I am only one version, I hope that I will be able to offer support to others during the various stages of their open adoptions.
