In thinking about Open Adoption Agreements, there are a lot of questions that come up for me. Admittedly, I've never been a participant in the drafting of an Open Adoption agreement. However, I see from living an open adoption with my daughter and her Mother, where an agreement would certainly be of benefit to both of us. Where questions wouldn't linger and were some uncertainly that I know at least I hold may be alleviated. So here are some initial thoughts on Open Adoption Agreements.
1. What should go into an Open Adoption Agreement?
I agree with others before me that have said that minimums should be the basis of the open adoption agreement. I think it makes the most sense to create the agreement with the hope that the requirements included in it will be the foundation for a relationship that will develop. Perhaps that relationship brings with it increased updates, letters, emails, even visits. And maybe it doesn't. But either way, the agreement would be a clear indication of what BOTH parties were comfortable with at a minimum level.
It seems like there would be a lot to think about in detailing an OA-A. I know that I only realize what things might come up as time passes and as I live it. It reminds me of those books or checklists that you're supposed to go over before you get married - you know, the ones that make you think about joint bank accounts and where you're going to spend holidays and what your plans are for children and how they're to be raised. Yes, it would be helpful if such a checklist existed for prospective adoptive parents and expectant mothers and fathers as well, and maybe we should really be working toward establishing one. Maybe there is one and I just don't know about it - but if there is, it's not handy enough that I've stumbled across it. My brief Google searches didn't provide any insight there either....
The things that I can think about off the top of my head are frequency of visits, locations of visits, protocol for holidays, protocol for gifts, interaction with other birthfamily members, etc. Yes, it's a lot to think about and yes, I'm sure it can seem daunting feeling like you have to plan out this aspect of your life, but if we're willing to do these things when entering into a marriage, I think we need to take that time to build a healthy relationship with adoption as well.
2. Specifics vs. Vague vocabulary - when are specifics appropriate? What are the benefits/harms of being too specific? Being too vague?
In detailing the OA agreement, I think wording is such a tricky point. On the one hand you don't want to be so specific that you feel trapped without any wiggle room. On the other hand, if you use vague vocabulary you leave lots of room for interpretation, and in turn, disagreement over meaning.
Specifics - I think specifics are pretty important. It would be super helpful in my current situation if I knew what specifics Cupcake's Mom wanted. Visits X times a year. Email updates X times a year with a minimum of X many pictures included in each. Can you go beyond that number of pictures? Of course! But that way someone doesn't get their hopes up for a parade of birthday pictures and instead receive one not so great picture with the child's face partially hidden and lingering back in the picture not even the focus of it...not that I've been there or anything....but if I had (okay, I have) yes, I would like some gaurantee that my daughters first birthday would have been captured on film and shared with me. To a specific minimum degree as detailed in the OA agreement.
Some specifics are more tricky - for instance specifying behaviors and how they will affect future interactions. I don't really appreciate having aparents dictate to me what behaviors are "good enough" for me to interact with my child, but as a parenting decision I'll respect it. Having some say in the OA agreement process I would want to make sure that the aparents and I had compatible ideas of what was realistic and appropriate. I would have agreed to stipulations that I would stay out of jail (hasn't been a problem for me for the past 25 years, so I'm pretty sure I'm good there...), that I would respect the boundaries put in place by the OA-A, that I wouldn't develop a drug or alcohol problem - and that I would participate in rehab programs if I did. I would understand if Cupcake's Mom didn't want me around her if I was under the influence of some illegal narcotic.
This is MY reality though. I know that there are some aparents that have children whose birthmothers/fathers have histories of drugs, alcohol, jail, etc. For them, these specifics might be even more challenging, but specifics leave little room for interpretation. Conversely, they leave little room for understanding. I don't have a "problem" with drinking or drugs. Do I drink? Yes. Do I do drugs? Not really, but yeah, I've smoked pot. It's happened. Would cupcake's Mom see that as a deal breaker? I don't know...but if her specific request was that I NEVER smoke or drink, then yeah, I guess she would.
Specifics with times, dates, minimums, they don't allow for LIFE sometimes. And I think that's something that's understandable. I can't say what the future will bring. I can't say that I won't fall into a depression. That I won't turn to alcohol at some point. I certainly have family members that have and I can't forsee the future. I would hope that should something unforseen happen that our relationship would help fill the gaps in understanding that the specifics might not allow.
I personally like the specifics. I'm fully open to accepting them and adhering to them (assuming I was a part of their creation and that I agreed to them in the first place). I've come up with some possible reasons, but I'm still not sure why some seem so adamant against detailing specifics.
Vague - If specifics are so binding the clear alternative is more vague descriptions of expectations.
To be honest, I don't see the value in being vague. I think you have to be specific with things like numbers, but I feel the desire to be vague with things like behaviors. For instance, the sentence, "4 visits a year as long as the birthmother remains a positive influence." Well that's certainly debateable! And since aparents of course have the right to decide what influences are positive in their children's lives it sure seems like that would give them the upper hand there, doesn't it? I'm crazy frustrated with my job right now. If I quit, I would be unemployed. It would be an irresponsible move on my part, and some could say that it wouldn't be a positive influence. Am I a danger? No way! Just frustrated and tired of being walked all over at work (which I suppose could also be seen as a negative influence! Not many role models are doormats....) If I don't vote the same way as the aparents in an election, well maybe my political views are too much of a conflict. Do I have to remain positive or just not be negative? What does that all mean and who gets to measure it??
This whole vague business can rear it's ugly head elsewhere too....for example, visits twice a year or as schedules allow. If you don't think you're going to make time two out of three hundred sixty five days, then just say once a year! Clauses like "as schedules allow" provide easy outs and unreliable information.
I'm sure there are more examples of vague vocabulary, but I can't think of one when it would be absolutely necessary, when there isn't a specific counter-statement that would be just as, if not more appropriate. If you have one, perhaps from your own OA-A please share, as I really am just learning myself.
It's a vicious circle, but I put my money on specifics understanding that wiggle room for growth will be needed as the relationship progresses.
Thoughts?
