Usually, when I tell friends and family about a recent visit, they respond with a comment about how lucky I am that I see my daughter. Or upon hearing about my open adoption, I hear "at least you can still see her."
While I'm grateful to have some supportive people in my life, I would love it if just one of my friends and family members could see open adoption from my point of view.
It is hard to stay in my daughter's life. Browse some blogs, read about adoptive parents who wish their children's firstparents would stay in touch, become aware of the aftereffects of placement, and you will soon see that open adoption is not a walk in the park for firstparents.
Every visit I am reminded that I am not my daughter's mommy. Every visit I am reminded that I have no control over what she experiences in her childhood. Every visit, I anxiously wonder how to interact with both my daughter and her parents. I cherish every hug, every shout of my name, every little daily experience I get to witness.
After most visits, I leave with a mix of happiness that my daughter is doing so well and a heavy sadness that I made a choice not to parent her- that I am saying goodbye yet again- that I am going back to a life with a big hole where she would be.
I know that visits must also be difficult for her family. I know that everything is a result of a choice I made. But the accolades to her parents for "allowing" me in my life should be given by their friends and family, not mine. And any lectures about having to deal with the consequences of my actions and choices are things I don't want to hear from anyone who actually cares about me.
So what can you do?
For starters, you could try to understand what it's like for me by doing your own research or simply by talking to me and actually listening. You could try to imagine yourself in my shoes for a moment instead of the shoes of her parents.
And you could say to me, "It must be hard to stay involved in your daughter's life and it's wonderful that you make that effort." If that's too much for you, try "What was your favorite part?" or "Is your daughter doing anything new these days?" or "She must love getting a chance to spend time with you."
It does require an effort on my part to stay involved. I've already posted about all the things that lead me to wanting to walk away. I stay because I believe it is the best thing I can do for my daughter. I don't stay because it makes things easier for me or because I'm trying to intrude on their family. I truly believe it is healthier for my daughter to have me involved in her life.
So next time the birthmother you love mentions adoption, try to offer your support from her side of the fence instead of from the adoptive parents side. Let their friends and family support them in their struggles. I want my friends and family to support me in mine.
