Maybe it’s cause I’m tired…
…but I’m feeling rather overwhelmed about stepping back into the adoption world already. It HURTS. I had almost forgotten. Seriously. Every time I log onto this webpage, it’s like a knife in my heart.
You know, I was drinking so much kool-aid that I didn’t even open the package that my son’s family sent me for his 6th birthday. That means I don’t know what he did this year. Probably the same thing he did last year. That’s why I didn’t open it, honestly. The letter from his parents is SO FAKE. It’s more fake then a christmas card letter that you send to all 500 people in your address book. There is no emotion, no connection, no anything. The updates are almost identical. I mean, I’ve got a 5 year old that I parent; I can pretty much figure out what a 6 year old is doing.
It must sound so selfish, to not want to hear that he likes swimming lessons, or that he is a good student in school, or that he has a great bond with his sister. But to hear it year after year, to never see any of his artwork from school (knowing how much joy my daughter’s artwork brings me), knowing they don’t CARE, they are simply fulfilling an obligation-it’s too much.
That’s why I started drinking the kool-aid again last year.
I am at the the point right now that I NEED dialogue with them to heal. I need to know why they’re shunning me, why they seem to be afraid of me. I need to answers. I need them to see me as the mature adult I have turned into, not the angry young girl who just missed her baby more than any words she could ever express. I was thinking of emailing them, but what to say? I haven’t heard their voices for almost 5 years and I haven’t had email communication with them for 4.
I have a copy of “Making Room In Our Hearts” that I want to send to them, but I was wondering…should I inscribe a note in the front, or maybe a letter letting them know that I am not sending the book to be pushy, but it is just a very heartwarming and wise book about how good open adoption can be for all involved? Too much?
Tags: grief, healing, sucky stuff
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 11th, 2009 at 5:40 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
5 Responses to “Maybe it’s cause I’m tired…”
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June 13th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain right now and I’m sorry that even being on the site is difficult for you. I wish there was something I could say to ease some of your pain.
I think Micky’s book is WONDERFUL and sure, I’d include a letter explaining why you’re sending along the book. It sounds like you are very respectful of their boundaries (even though their boundaries aren’t really respectful of you) so I’d trust your ability to word things in a way that is more likely to help them hear you. I hope that they CAN hear you. You are in my thoughts.
June 14th, 2009 at 5:33 am
Iam at the the point right now that I NEED dialogue with them to heal. I need to know why they’re shunning me, why they seem to be afraid of me. I need to answers. I need them to see me as the mature adult I have turned into, not the angry young girl who just missed her baby more than any words she could ever express. I was thinking of emailing them, but what to say? I haven’t heard their voices for almost 5 years and I haven’t had email communication with them for 4.
Is there a reason why they only mail you? You stated that you aren’t the “angry” young woman you use to be, did you all have words with each other, is that why you only receive updates?
June 14th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Well, when C was about 6 months old I started to feel like I would want visits… and their exact words were “our door is always open to you” and so I approached the subject of visits with them, and they told me that they weren’t comfortable with visits and that visits weren’t part of their “plan”. That’s when I told them that I felt that saying their door was always open was misleading and that i felt slightly betrayed. I’m assuming they talked about it with THEIR adoption professional, because they shot back with an e-mail about how I needed to heal and that they didn’t think that visits at that time would help me heal. THEY assumed they knew what I needed to heal, without trying to sit down with ME and talk to ME about it. This upset me even more, so I just stopped trying to communicate with them. Ever since, there’s been nothing.
June 15th, 2009 at 11:18 am
That’s too long to go without communication that goes back and forth and is not just one sided — as it is now. You should do something soon for yourself and your child. You may have to ease them into more contact. Start by sending the book. (Great book.) Send letters to your child. And then broach the subject of visits again. They should know that their child is not going to be too happy to know that they prevented contact with you. No child wants parents to keep their own history, their life, their family from them. I have been told by adopted children (now in their 40s) that it doesn’t feel “fair” for parents to do that. It doesn’t feel right or just. They are going to have one pissed off kid if they persist in holding you off. But you have to begin the quest. Good luck!
July 6th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
article? did you mean to respond to anyone else?