My denial
Thanks to Suz over at Writing My Wrongs (http://writingmywrongs.com/2009/11/10/what-does-it-feel-like/) for providing the inspiration for a post for tonight. I wanted to write, but was having a hard time pinpointing what to write about. Now I have something.
My denial.
Sometimes I don’t think of it as denial. After all, I have pictures of my son in my house. I read adoption blogs. I contemplate reaching out to my son’s family and requesting a more open relationship. I own The Primal Wound and several other adoption related books.
But on the other hand, we have the overwhelming evidence that I most likely AM in denial: the absolute secrecy in my family about my son’s existence, the fact that I HAVEN’T yet reached out to my son’s family, my adoption books gathering dust on a shelf in the dark recesses of my walk in closet.
Yeah, denial.
I’m not sure I know HOW to come out of it. I spent most of my pregnancy convincing myself that my son was THEIRS. I let them name him. I sent them his ultrasound pics. I was his keeper, but I don’t feel like his mother. I really don’t.
My god that hurts. I don’t feel like his mother.
But tomorrow I will wake up and I may not get a chance to think about my son until later in the day. I may not think of him at all. I am kind of empty. I honestly don’t feel anything when I think of him anymore (except on the rare occasion I feel like crying). I know he’s got a good family. I know he’s provided for.
What I don’t know is…how (or if) his adoption is being presented to him. That will get me all riled up every once in a while, but only because there is so much literature about openness and honesty in adoption and I know it won’t ever be utilized by them. Deaf ears and all that. Whatever, I suppose.
My denial provides me with a place to exist where I was not weak, a place where I made a GOOD decision about my son’s future. Because, in the deepest parts of my heart and soul, I hate myself for giving him away. I hate myself for letting my mother “tell” me how I was going to deal with my unplanned pregnancy. I hate that I was weak. I hate that I gave up. Hate, hate, hate.
Hence, I cannot dwell there. There is too much anger, too much pain. Until I can find a therapist in my area that can handle this, I cannot simply let it go unleashed. So I tuck it away, make it abstract, and pretend it doesn’t apply to me. It’s easy to think about my son if I don’t think about what it would be like to have him here. It’s easy to pretend that he really isn’t part of me. The last time he was was 6 years ago. It’s hard for me to make the connection of blood and genetics when I can’t SEE it, can’t FEEL it, am not forced to parent it every day.
I mean, yes, I love him. Yes, I would die for him, just as I would for my parented daughter.
But when I don’t have the constant reminder, it’s easier for my heart to just not think about it too deeply. Not to dwell on the fact that HE IS GONE. I lost my chance. I gave it to someone else.
I miss my baby.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 at 8:04 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
November 10th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
oh mygoodness..i am that adopted child! and my son is also that adopted child! Im adopted and my son is adopted in an open adoption with his biomom. She has contact with him every 4 mths or so,, but ive noticed that if she misses a visit it seems much easier for her to yet again miss a visit..out of sight out of mind so to speak. Im recently reunited with my bio mom…thankfully it went well for us. but if we dont talk, txt or see each other weekly or byweekly it actually becomes harder for us the next time we connect! please for him try not to let a DAY go by with out thinking of him! That will also help you to not feel denial but to FEEL~ never stop feeling bad or good, thats how we deal! you did NOT loose your chance..take it from a 38 year old adoptee! yes, you havent parented him BUT youve continued to love him,, regardless of him being parented by others, literally regardless,,yes my bmom didnt get to parent me, and my sons bmom didnt get to parent him, but BOTH LOVED! THAT fact of UNCONDITIONAL love will make this situation ok..trust me!
November 10th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I so completely understand what you are saying. You cannot allow yourself to completely feel the love for him, have to keep him tucked away deep in your heart, or the pain and loss will completely take over your life. I would not wish this life as a birthmother on anyone. I only wish that it would be possible for others to understand this pain, if only for a minute.
Melissa, I know you mean well, but you have no idea what it is like to lose a child to adoption. My love for my son, my son’s parents love for him does not make the situation ok. I have been reunited for almost a year with the son I gave up 30 years ago. I thought I was completely out of my life of denial, but the post at Writing my Wrongs today has made me realize that I STILL have not completely opened my heart regarding him. I still keep him tucked away somewhat, from the fear that he will walk away ~ then what do I do? I don’t know how I could go on if I was to lose him again.
November 10th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
This is such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing such personal and deep emotions.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:29 am
Yes, thank you for sharing this. I just cannot fathom the pain you have gone through and continue to go through. I understand the denial… how could anyone suffer the loss otherwise? It would be overwhelming, devastating.
Don’t hate yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Hate our society for not supporting mothers in need, and the adoption industry for taking advantage of that.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
actually i DO know what its like to loose a child! i lost one to death! And Death isALOT more final than adoption!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 11th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Melissa,
I am so sorry that you lost a child to death, I of course had no way of knowing that. I cannot imagine that pain.
I did not mean to criticize you, I simply wanted to say that only a birthmother can understand what losing a child to adoption is like.
Susie
November 12th, 2009 at 9:54 am
The trauma of losing a child to death is acknowleded by society. The grief is recongized and supported.
Losing a child to adoption is not the same. The trauma is not recongized, the grief is disenfranchised, the mother never knows where her child is, how her child is, etc.
I often thought in my early days of trauma that I would have been better off knowing my child was dead versus just out there somewhere.
Both are terrible situations for a mother to endure but they are not at all the same.