Open Adoption Roundtable #10
I know that birthdays can be an extremely emotional time, for everyone connected to adoption, not just those of us in open adoptions. So what is it that we do, as part of our open adoptions, during the “birthday season”?
Our experiences on this are so diverse, that I don’t want to limit your responses to one specific question. BUT, since some of us (like me!) sometimes like the specific questions, here are a few that have been rattling around in my brain as my daughter’s third birthday approaches:
- What do you/your family do to integrate open adoption and birthday celebrations?
- What do you wish you would see in future birthday celebrations re: involvement with your child’s adoptive parents/birth parents?
- Do you have an open adoption agreement that requires contact on/around birthdays?
- How does that agreement affect you? Do you wish it were different? Do you wish that you did have an agreement that requires such contact?
- If you do not have contact around birthdays, do you do something private to honor birthdays?
- If you’re an adoptee, how were birthdays celebrated in your family with regards to open adoption?
- How do you wish they would have been celebrated?
- And anything else you can think of!
Well, this is going to be the first roundtable that I actually am blogging about (if my computer can cooperate long enough for me to get this written, that is…)
For me, birthdays are a mix. I am always sent a letter and a book of pics (collected throughout the year) the week of his birthday. They have never been late, and for that I am grateful. My reaction to those pics varies, though. For example, when my son turned 3, it was the first year that I recall actually having a meltdown. I got the pics in the mail and decided that it would be a good idea to open them before work. That, in fact, turned out to be a very BAD idea. When I got to work, I just couldn’t hold myself together. Thank goodness my boss was also my friend, and she let me cry on her shoulder for 30 minutes, then even told me I could go have a drink before I started my shift. Bless her heart, I told her that if I had one drink, I would have 10 drinks, so that probably wouldn’t be a good idea. She went ahead and made sure my shift got covered and let me go home to wallow in self-pity.
I initially had hoped that I would be able to take a yearly visit to see my son around his birthday, since it’s a time of year when not much is really going on (like other holidays and such). His parents told me in no uncertian terms that that was NOT going to happen. Ok then.
This past year, I didn’t even open the package they sent me on his birthday until almost August; his birthday is in April. I just didn’t think I could deal with the fallout-if there was to be any. Sometimes the pics bother me, sometimes they don’t. Most birthdays, I listen to a mix CD I made shortly after his birth which contains 16 of the saddest songs you have ever heard. Around the actual time of his birth, I usually feel sick andweepy. I try not to think about it, but the memories are SO vivid and clear that they invade my thoughts whether I want them to or not.
I have often toyed with the idea of having some kind of ritual for his birthday (preferably one that requires me to stay home and NOT go to work), but I just don’t know WHAT. Nothing really brings me any peace about him being gone. I have yet to find any ritual, any ANTHING that makes my soul less raw, my emotions less fragile on his birthday. To be honest, I don’t think I’m up to trying. It’s hard. I’m emotionally lazy.
I have always wanted to send him a birthday card, but I never have, for a couple of reasons:
#1. I just think it would be much too painful to buy a card for my son that doesn’t address him as such.
#2. I feel like I should send cards for his sisters birthday (and I don’t mind doing that) and I don’t know her birthday and I feel like an ass for asking. I feel like they probably told me when I first met them and I should have remembered.
#3. I kinda hate cards anyway, and I don’t know what else would be appropriate to send. A letter? What would I write? I don’t even know how his adoption is being “framed” for him, so I have NO clue what I can/can’t say to him.
I am such a chicken shit. Seriously.
Maybe this year I will suck it up and send a card. I SHOULD. I WANT to. The last thing I want is for my son to look back and go “gee, my mom didn’t even bother to send me a card on my birthday, she really must not have cared” because NOTHING could be further from the truth.
NOTHING.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 at 10:59 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
November 18th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Cupcake is turning three next year and this my first melt-down year…..while I’m not glad you’re in my boat, I’m glad that I’m not alone. (Hope that makes sense!) ((((hugs))))
November 18th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I’m with you too! I send a card, but signing it is always hard for me. I don’t want to write, Love, Mom and offend his adoptive mom. I don’t want to write, Love, your birthmother cause that sounds too formal. Nor do I want to write, Love, leigh like we’re buds. I think I usually write, Love, Me
Or sometimes don’t sign it.
One thing I should have done though is photocopy them. I have a terrible memory when it comes to stuff like that and have no idea if I’m repeating myself every year.
November 18th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
As an adoptive mom, I can tell you I wish our boys first families would at least send a card. I’m not much of a card person, but I think of it as something tangible for when questions arise. I could re-share the cards and memories, photos and stories of their birth. We would have something to look at together or, as they grow older to read over and over. I think a card would be nice.
J
November 19th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
oops! i have no idea why but realized i wrote “his adoptive” instead of “her”
November 19th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
oops! i have no idea why but realized i wrote “his adoptive” instead of “her”
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Your post makes me both sad and angry. I feel sad for you because of what your adoption isn’t, and angry because of things like “they told me in no uncertain terms that that wasn’t going to happen” and because you don’t feel comfortable enough with them to even send a card addressing your son as…your son!
I mean….I don’t know if I’m just simple minded or what the matter is, but I have no issues with my child having two mothers and two fathers. Intellectually it’s quite simple–someone else gave birth to her, and a woman who gives BIRTH to someone (ok, with the possible exception of surrogacy) is going to be, forever, that person’s mother. My daughter’s other mother makes me no less her mother! Emotionally speaking, I’m proud that she has two mothers. I don’t see why I should be upset or threatened about her or anyone else referring to Rachel as her mom or as “Mama Rachel” as we call her (simply for clarity).
I wish you an easier road ahead….and that you can find a ritual, even just the ritual of taking the day off, that will help you deal on your son’s birthday!
February 24th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Roundtable #10: Birthdays « Open Adoption Bloggers says:[...] You Never “Get Over It” (first Mom) writes: “I have often toyed with the idea of having some kind of ritual for his birthday (preferably one that requires me to stay home and NOT go to work), but I just don’t know WHAT. Nothing really brings me any peace about him being gone. I have yet to find any ritual, any ANTHING that makes my soul less raw, my emotions less fragile on his birthday.” [...]